Remembering The Survivors and Their Ongoing Suffering
There have been millions of people who tragically sacrificed their lives in war and, today, on Memorial Day, we stop to reflect on their ultimate sacrifice. And without discounting or comparing that tragic reality, let us also stop to remember the ones who survived but had pieces of themselves die on the battlefield while witnessing the brutality of war that many of us at home have been desensitized to by Hollywood and video games.
The continuous reminders of this imagery are obviously not as finite as death, but arguably a different type of death of the ego and spirit that deserves recognition and consideration as they are so closely connected.
Let’s remember the friends and families who lost their loved ones in combat, today and every day. Let us also remember the countless friends and family members who are tasked with supporting and caring for their loved ones who returned home emotionally or physically altered from their experience in combat. They are often unprepared for the changes in personality and behaviors associated with severe trauma. They, too, need our patience and support. Every day is a good day to take mental health into consideration, but on Memorial Day it’s especially important to look into the many lives touched by the fallen and those who were there alongside them so in the days afterward, we might remember that there are many layers of this particular and especially complicated trauma.
Everyone has a difficult and often excruciating role in dealing with trauma, and our society, as a whole, needs to put far more effort and resources into mental health as it affects every single decision and behavior humans make.
Grief and PTSD aren’t a competition. Every person’s experience with them is valid regardless of the underlying driving force behind it. We can think of grief and PTSD in a similar fashion as the famous quote by United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart on the subject of pornography:
“… I know it when I see it…”
You can’t always quantify PTSD and grief in a vacuum, but you know it when you feel it.
No matter how we feel about war, we must never lose sight of the human beings that it impacts. It’s crucial that we acknowledge and validate the feelings of people who have lost loved ones and those who lost parts of themselves in combat. Parts of themselves that can never be fully restored to the times before their trauma. The scars are everlasting, and more times than not the wounds never fully heal and are continuously reopened and relived again and again. We, as outsiders, need to take this into consideration because it is complex and individual and will test the limits of our patience and empathy.
Traumatized people are living in a private hell that many of us can not begin to imagine. They survived but were sentenced to a lifetime of inner turmoil that they are tasked with correcting.
This year, Memorial Day falls on the same day as the last day of Mental Health Awareness Month, but it’s time we normalize mental health awareness every day and become the supportive allies to each other that most of us are capable of being. We may feel it’s not our problem or hold people in contempt for their choices that led to their trauma, but we are all human, and humans are one of the most flawed species on Earth. The power of empathy and forgiveness are enough to heal many wounds and alleviate pain for those who are suffering. We all need to be loved and supported and listened to and understood. In our haste to judge people, we often become apathetic and immune to their perspective.
The 1960s ushered in a powerful shift in the social fabric in regard to military service when anti-war protests became a permanent fixture in the US’s political landscape. Suddenly, servicemen and women were no longer held in hero’s esteem but were now scorned and shamed for their participation in war whether they were drafted or voluntarily enlisted. These (mostly) men were spat on, shunned, and made to feel unwelcome when they returned home from a brutal war that could not be won and for many, that they did not even sign up for. For the first time in our country’s history, we had a generation of mentally and physically tortured individuals who not only had to sustain their battles in the field and within their own minds but had to contend with the people back home who were less than sympathetic to their struggles.
This had a cascading negative effect through multiple generations since that time that has impacted families and society in innumerable ways.
“According to a report published by the United States Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) in 2016, which analyzed 55 million veterans’ records from 1979 to 2014, the current analysis indicates that an average of 20 veterans die from suicide per day.” — (Wikipedia)
Veterans are also prone to high rates of homelessness, substance abuse, and increased rates of incarceration. All of which have a clear and undeniable correlation between trauma and their ability to cope with their trauma.
In the U.S., suicide prevention lifeline. (Side note: If you know me, please, please, please reach out to me anytime to talk. I am here and I want to listen to you.)
Not every trauma response is extreme or noticeable and often will fade from an acute and dramatic shift in behavior to a more everyday hardened approach to life and social interactions. Sometimes, it’s insidious and manifests at random times. It’s more likely for people suffering from PTSD to have a series of more subtle characteristics, such as irritability, bitterness, malaise, isolation, apathy, impatience, agitation, and general difficulty maintaining relationships due to their unintentional inability to process more than they are already burdened with.
This is where the ones who are less burdened by emotional conflicts need to step up and have an appropriate response to those having a harder time. Those reflecting on the loss of their squad members and loved ones in combat are typically especially overwhelmed with thoughts on days such as Memorial Day. We must be there for them as well.
We must understand that they often have an internal defense mechanism that is easily triggered and we shouldn’t always take it personally. Walls go up because people afflicted with extreme emotional pain do not have the capacity to risk any more pain in their lives. And often, we hurt people closest to us when we are hurting and have no way to effectively process that pain. So, we end up lashing out at people and treating them poorly because we are hurting and our defenses are up and not coming down. People suffering trauma generally have severe trust issues and any perceived threat will be met with automatic defensive, often inflammatory responses.
Traumatized individuals are suffering and they usually do not mean to misdirect their pain and anger at those they care about, but often do and we must be more aware of that to have better, more stable relationships.
Recently, I reached out to an army veteran friend named Eric with who I lost contact when bitter words were said and feelings were hurt during an emotional time in his life.
In an interview about his time in Afghanistan and his struggles with the repercussions of that experience, The Canton Citizen writes:
“A combat engineer by training, Estabrook was part of an elite counter-IED task force that searched for and destroyed improvised explosives. He completed hundreds of dangerous missions during his 21 months in Afghanistan and was so good in this role that he fast-tracked to promotion and was named squad leader for his second deployment. He also completed the Army’s prestigious Sapper Leader Course between deployments and was the recipient of the Bronze Star for his actions in Afghanistan.
Yet underneath this tough exterior of his lies an ex-combat soldier with gaping psychological wounds — wounds that for a long time he refused to even acknowledge, until he was back home and all alone and the pain eventually became too great to ignore.” — (Canton Citizen)
I particularly enjoyed talking with this friend before the incident occurred and had thought about him on occasion after we lost contact even though he was less-than-personable the last time I interacted with him. (Sorry, Eric. heh)
The universe gave me some major reminders of him, especially after a falling out with another army veteran friend who reminded me of him quite a bit, and so I felt compelled to reach out to him. The last time Eric and I interacted he had just unexpectedly lost his mother and this, of course, led to emotions going into overdrive, but for someone like Eric who already suffers extreme PTSD from his years spent in Afghanistan and the trauma he endured there, his emotional response to the loss of his mother and other circumstances in his life were naturally exacerbated due to his underlying struggles with PTSD.
From the Canton Citizen article, Eric says:
“When I moved to East Boston [in February 2014], I would continuously drink until I passed out on the couch,” recalled Estabrook. “That is when the floodgates opened so to speak.”
Full of despair and depression and wracked by crippling anxiety, his drinking became so severe that he would consume up to 2 liters a day. He stopped eating and he rarely left the house. And when he did manage to fall asleep, the night terrors would begin — a string of three or four “horribly graphic and violent” scenes that would batter him in quick succession, like machine gun fire.” — (Canton Citizen)
These are the things we don’t commonly hear about in ordinary conversation. These are the very real, very painful thoughts that afflict many veterans’ minds. These are the things to remember on this final day of #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth and every day going forward.
Of course, at the time, I didn’t take any of his trauma into consideration. I took offense to everything he said and had written him off as someone too toxic to know.
But in my neverending quest to be as introspective and gracious as possible, I revisited the thoughts I had about Eric and realized that I may have been too harsh and hasty in my judgment of him. When I reached out to him, he was humble and introspective enough to apologize to me for upsetting me with whatever he said at the time, but it was important to me that he also knew that I see him and his pain and that I have a new, better understanding of his struggles after facing some of my own and as well as learning from others who are in the same boat as him. I was no longer disgusted by his behavior, but rather, I became empathetic and more tolerant and focused on his desire to better himself. I was impressed by his change of heart and humility.
He expressed his remorse and mentioned the ongoing treatment plans that are helping him overcome the demons he battles. And this, to me, is not only significant, but it should be what others look for when dealing with people in their lives who are suffering from PTSD. The intent is important and not to be discounted as so many of us struggle to come to terms with our faults. Our cognitive dissonance tends to put us in an endless loop of denial. So, piercing that veil of denial and conceit is a monumental step forward in the right direction.
We mustn’t focus so much on their mistakes or even their words and actions taken when they are especially emotional — this goes for anyone having a particularly difficult mental health day/week (life).
It’s not fair to people suffering from PTSD to set the same expectations we have for others who aren’t traumatized and recovering from their experience. If we care about them and are generally empathetic, we must be willing to be more understanding, more forgiving, and more patient because they are not on our same frequency and we can’t expect them to be. That is not how the psyche works. Their brains are protecting them by whatever means possible and anything, even their closest allies, can sometimes be perceived as a threat when their emotions are especially elevated.
Instead, focusing on their positive efforts and applauding them and supporting them will usually have a much greater positive impact on them and on our relationship with them. Our goal should be to help heal and rebuild stronger, more durable relationships. Judgment and shaming their behavior is only going to reinforce their belief that they somehow deserve what they’re enduring, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. No one deserves to be locked inside of their head being tormented by memories and fear of being subjected to the same mental anguish again.
Understand that people with PTSD may smile and appear completely normal on the outside, but inside they’re fighting off repetitive, excruciating memories and illusions and feelings that take all of their willpower and strength of character to keep from pushing them to the point of no return — perpetually, with little relief in between.
Personally, I didn’t always thoroughly take these factors into consideration in my relationships and interactions with people who are suffering from PTSD and generalized trauma, but once I realized that I could do better on my end, I committed to being the patient, understanding, and less sensitive person these tormented people we care for need in their lives.
Just because we can’t see their wounds doesn’t mean their pain isn’t real.
There is light and love beyond anger and pain and suffering. Eric is a testament to the resilience of the psyche and proof that we can come out the other side with better outlooks, better interpersonal relationship skills, and bigger hearts and smarter minds after unspeakable trauma and the mistakes we make while processing it. There are ways to make good of a very bad experience. We just have to believe in ourselves and believe in others.
Rebuilding Warriors: Army Vet Receives Dog from Non-Profit
We must remember that PTSD does not define those afflicted with it. It is a symptom and reflection of their pain, not the totality of their existence.
Yes, it is a grueling task to be tolerant of people in our lives who are seemingly careless in how they so easily hurt us, but for people suffering from PTSD or just trauma and other mental illnesses or grief, in general, we must persevere and not give up on each other. I can assure you that people who are suffering from PTSD and generalized trauma, do, in fact, reflect on their mistakes and often feel even worse about how they treated people than people who behave poorly and aren’t traumatized. They just can’t always efficiently articulate and express that remorse on a “normal” timeline because their minds are backlogged with other thoughts and emotions that create bottlenecks of emotions that are impossible to organize and clear. So, it often just comes out as frustration and more bitterness because overwhelmed people are often not in control of their thoughts and words.
Don’t allow things to snowball. Take as many breaks as possible and revisit the relationship once you regain your composure and free up some mental bandwidth.
Completely and indefinitely turning our backs on people at their lowest points only reinforces their self-loathing and makes their walls stronger and higher. It tends to undo any progress they have made and keeps them in their negative feedback loop of reverting back to hopelessness and despair.
We must remember that we are all humans and we all have emotions and our feelings get hurt. But for some of us, our trauma is so profound, so deeply embedded in our psyches that our subconscious takes over and does whatever it takes to protect us from accruing any further pain.
If you know a veteran who suffers from PTSD or who may have lost people in their squad, try to listen to them as often and for as long as necessary. You might even encounter total strangers who want to strike up a conversation. It’s usually because their minds never stop thinking and they need to make sense of the chaos plaguing their minds. Be there for them. Listen to people. Your attention and interest in what they have to say could be the difference between a life filled with despair or once again giving someone hope.
We must not also forget the friends and family who have lost their loved ones in war or have welcomed home a shell of a person they used to know. Their pain is as important to acknowledge and validate as any other. We must extend the same courtesies to them as we do for the ones who survived the trauma. Our friends and loved ones are sharing our trauma, only in reverse. They experience it from the eyes and behaviors of those who experienced it and can easily become overwhelmed and frustrated by their inability to help the traumatized person in their life or the great difficulty of processing the grief of losing their loved one. They, too, are suffering and may misdirect their pain and anger. We must listen to them and be there for them as well.
We all want to be heard and seen and forgiven. We all want to be understood and tolerated and loved and wanted. But for those suffering from PTSD and going through trauma, we need to give a little more grace and be a little more patient and a lot more empathetic. On this Memorial Day and every day, we remember the lives lost and acknowledge all of the endless tears of those lives they touched. We must remember every day is a good time for mental health awareness, not just in the month of May. But most importantly, we must remember that we are all just human and doing our best to make it in this unfair, uncertain, but beautiful world.
