How Expectations Ignite Psychological Molotov Cocktails
Shortly into the Covid-19 pandemic of 2020, many of us realized that our expectations of our friends, peers, and loved ones were set too high as they systematically drew lines in the sand and doubled down on political and scientific beliefs that frustrated and infuriated many of us.
Expectations are often faith-based, influenced by confidence, insecurities, and beliefs, and sometimes formed on assumptions alone. This often leads to disappointment when what we believed would happen, didn’t. In turn, feelings of indignation and cognitive dissonance are initiated, which open the flood gates for unchecked emotions to overtake the situation all because we allowed ourselves to prematurely construct the entirety of a situation in our minds with incomplete information.
We typically don’t complain when our expectations are exceeded, but far too often we make the mistake of having both good and bad expectations of people in our lives before we have adequate information of the individual situation, and this approach is not only unfair to them, but it’s unfair to ourselves as we risk losing important people who are hurt by our irreverence for accuracy.
Some humans tend to gravitate toward automatically believing the worst of someone, and others want instant gratification, so they develop overconfidence in how a situation will play out only to be disappointed by something that was never actually promised but believed so confidently. Sometimes, expectations can crossover into entitlement, but more often they just create unnecessary disappointment and frustration.
If emotions run high when expectations aren’t met and cause one or more parties to overreact or misunderstand the situation due to their judgment being compromised by stress hormones and all of the thoughts running through their mind at warp speed, this is the equivalent of throwing a psychological Molotov cocktail into the situation.
And rarely, if ever, does anything good come from explosive words said in haste, pain, and anger.
I recently had a falling out with one of my dearest friends when I unfairly set both high and low expectations for them in my mind without allowing them a say in the matter. My confidence in their behaviors and actions was based on what I perceived to be true based on my assumptions and irrational thought process. In total disregard for their right to represent themselves, I tried, convicted, and sentenced them because, in a state of panic, I allowed my fear and insecurities to decide what was best for them without actually knowing if that was their preference or not. I gave them no authority over their own thoughts, feelings, or plan of action. I allowed my emotions to overpower my reasoning and had the lowest expectations of them to protect my own interests. But I had also managed to convince myself that my best interests coincided with theirs! Clearly, we do not have the authority to decide what is best for others. And certainly not based on our own expectations of them.
And despite feeling like I was being as thoughtful, tactful, and eloquent as possible, as to not cast any blame in my friend’s direction, but rather, to convey that I had decided for us that I was responsible for something that occurred and that I would also implement the solution to it to spare them any discomfort — all without them having any clue what even happened.
But because I expected them to receive it badly and become upset by it, because my expectations for their tolerance of the matter was so low, I preemptively formulated a solution that, at the time, I believed was best for both of us. My tunnel vision allowed me to only see one option because my expectations were a projection of my beliefs, and instead of communicating, I took it upon myself to solve something that I felt I was responsible for, believing that I knew what was best for my friend.
I completely took away their choices and I didn’t realize at the time that I was actually being selfish and inconsiderate, not the self-sacrificing, thoughtful friend that I believed I was being.
In my message that was written to my friend in a heightened state of emotions, I unintentionally included some insensitive words and phrases and said some things that they perceived as hurtful. I managed to both set my expectations extremely low for how I believed they’d feel about my solution to an issue between us, while simultaneously setting my expectations extremely high for how I envisioned they would emotionally handle my solution to the issue.
Basically, I concluded that they’d be indifferent to the issue and not really bothered by my solution that I decided for both of us. I assumed that they would receive it well without feeling bad about it one way or another. I set my expectations for them to be nonchalant to the whole situation as a defense mechanism so that if they did become angered by my issue I had a solution in effect that I was prepared to implement to do some self-preservation.
This, obviously, was thoughtless and not nearly as self-sacrificing as I had believed. But because I expected them to be a certain way without giving them the opportunity to represent themselves, my words and actions caused them to be so extremely hurt by what I had said that they ended up terminating our friendship because I gave them the impression that not only did I not value their friendship by my words and actions, but that I also wasn’t sincere about anything and then they accused me of being fake. All because I had expectations that I felt were fair and accurate, but in actuality, I should not have had expectations one way or another and simply presented the issue to them and accepted their input.
Expectations are often projections of our irrational thought processes. They give us anxiety and false senses of certainty and fears and premature happiness and so, so, so many other feelings that are prematurely felt. When we believe we know what to expect, as opposed to allowing the situation to unfold in its own time and way, we create the perfect storm for disappointing ourselves and often hurting others in the process who do not deserve to be prejudged for something that has not been brought to their attention. We do not get to decide for others how they already feel or how they will definitely react. We only get to decide how we feel and how we react to things. All of us want people to grant us our own authority on matters, no matter how big or small, and when we invite our expectations into the equation, we are playing unfairly and setting ourselves up to be hurt and hurting people we care for because we are in a rush to form a conclusion.
No matter how much we try to convince ourselves that we are doing what’s best for people we care about or for our own self-preservation, when we place expectations on others, we are being self-centered and not considering other people’s feelings whatsoever even if we feel like we are. The only way to effectively know for sure that we are acting in another’s best interest is to always give them the chance to use their words and actions to reach that conclusion whenever possible. It is not honorable and sacrificial to assume you have the right to implement your solutions to problems without conferring with other parties involved.
In my overly emotional state, I introduced and proposed some very hurtful things to one of the best friendships I have ever had and I will regret that for the rest of my life. We had deeper and more meaningful conversations and a better rapport than I ever had with my ex-husband whom I lived with for 16 years! This friend, to me, was so valuable, so appreciated, and so important that I felt so badly for what I did wrong that I was willing to sacrifice them to pay the price for what I had done and not make them obligated to deal with my issues.
At first, I was baffled. I couldn’t figure out what I said and did that was so hurtful. I couldn’t understand why didn’t they acknowledge that I was only looking out for what I believed was best for them. I truly believed I was acting in their best interest, as well as mine. And in their initial response, they did offer to clarify all of the points I brought up and communicate with me, undoubtedly in their thorough and detailed approach that they usually converse in. They were always conscientious of making sure to be clear and thoughtful in their wordage as to never come across as offensive and to not leave any room for misinterpreting or misunderstanding them — and I greatly appreciated that! So, initially, they did express a great and genuine interest in talking everything through if I was open to it. But my emotions were still all over the place and I had been up for two days with only a short nap the day before, so my follow-up response to their very careful, reasonable, and lengthy response apparently changed their mind because that’s when they banned me from their life and excommunicated me.
Not only did I have biased expectations for how little they’d care, but I also had expectations for how they’d respond to me. And it probably came across as me being the one who didn’t care or value them enough when I sincerely believed I was making all of the best decisions for us.
After mulling over it obsessively, I realized what I had done and why they were hurt, and I felt beyond appalled by the misunderstanding and how I must have come across to them. I couldn’t believe how blind I was to what I had said and done based on what I expected. So, I attempted to reach out to clarify and take them up on their original offer, but it was too late. Their whole perception of me changed based on my unfair expectations of them.
And once again, because I expected them to actually be there like they’d said they would be when this first transpired, I was deeply hurt and disappointed when they didn’t meet my expectations for being more understanding and patient with me. I had bad expectations of them, and then good expectations of them, and both times it didn’t unfold the way I imagined in my mind because my mind can never account for the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others. All my mind can do is process the information that comes to me, not what goes to anyone else.
I learned an expensive lesson by having expectations and igniting psychological Molotov cocktails with my unchecked emotions that caused an irreparably damaging explosion within an indispensable friendship. It took this happening for me to realize how toxic my expectations are, even when I place people on pedestals and believe I am being considerate and selfless, not hurtful and extremely selfish as I actually was being.
Sometimes, we can expect things based on concrete patterns and reliable information. We can expect to get wet when we walk outside into the rain; we can expect to get burned by fire. But we can never, ever expect people to react or behave how we imagine they will when we do not have enough clues or information to come to that conclusion.
